


Coping is hard

by Rhaps0dic



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Anxiety, Boardwalk boys, I love this ship, Jenna is mentioned, M/M, Panic Attacks, Polyamory, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trans Male Character, Trans Rich Goranski, Vomiting, anyways im projecting my trauma and the way i refuse to properly deal with it onto rich, just a tw, yall can pry trans rich out my cold dead hands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-19
Updated: 2017-08-19
Packaged: 2018-12-17 03:09:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11842707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rhaps0dic/pseuds/Rhaps0dic
Summary: Rich is anxiety ridden about the events of the Halloween party. Worst part? He bottles it all in!





	Coping is hard

Rich was laying on his bedroom floor, staring up at the ceiling and counting all the dots and bumps on the popcorn ceiling.  

“Three forty seven, three forty eight, three forty nine-” He droned on, mumbling the slow task his therapist had taught him, but it wasn't helping. 

Rich tried, deep breathing, counting the dots on the ceiling, grounding himself, none of it seemed to work. He was stuck in a part of his mind that nothing could pull him out of.

He idly reached up and scratched at the scars on his arms, running his nails along them, shivering at the contact. Most of his body was covered, but his arms mostly. His back had the least because it was covered by clothes when the fire started. 

The scars had always tingled and burned with phantom pains, but tonight was one of the bad nights. The nights where it got worse and he was panicking, and the scars were a constant reminder of what he’d done. 

Rich still vividly remembered that night. The night he had ruined his life, and burned down his best friend, and boyfriend’s house. 

 

_ He could hear everyone screaming, someone yelling for anyone to call nine one one. There was so much panic in the air, and that just fuelled his SQUIP to push him further. His clothes were on fire, he was on fire. He could hear Jake screaming, screaming at him. Jake was shaking him by the shoulders, yelling, but all Rich could hear was the roaring all around him and the voice of the computer in his brain.  _

**Good. This is what you deserve, pain, the fire, it will never end. If you can't change yourself you will never change. You’ll be stuck here forever Richard. Look at you, so pathetic and hurting everyone. Just look at Jake.**

_ Rich met Jake’s eyes, finally seeing the fear and panic in them. It snapped him back to reality. The fire, oh it burned it burned, his skin was screeching in pain and so was he. He couldn't register the full amount of the pain and heat, and couldn't hear anything. Rich’s heart was pounding, Jake was tugging at his arm, trying to pull him out of the room.  _

_ “Jake……” _

_ “Rich! We need to get out, c’mon!” He was yelling again. Just like Rich’s dad. Oh god his dad. He sunk to his knees, shaking and staring at his hands in fear.  _

_ He did this. This was his fault.  _

_ “I… I can't do anything…” Rich mumbled, before screaming again, Jake shook his head, saying more and more that Rich didn't understand.  _

_ “Must, must get it out. Out, out, out, out.”  _

_ “Rich-” Jake pulled him up from the floor, “We have to get out!”  _

_ A beam fell from the ceiling. It crashed behind them as Jake pushed him through the house.  _

_ “You need to jump out, you’ll land on a bush trust me, it's gonna be okay.” _

_ His voice was so soothing, how could he be so calm? Was this a dream? Was this not real? _

_ Rich forced himself to nod, inhaled sharply, and jumped as far as he could towards the large group of bushes _

_ He looked up to find Jake, but all he saw was the roof collapsing and someone falling. It was Jake. Was he-  _

 

“C’mon and slam!” 

Rich bolted upright at the sound of Michael’s silly ringtone. He furrowed his brow in confusion. 1:37, since when was it that late? He shrugged, and laid back down on the carpet. His phone kept buzzing, and ringing, and pinging with phone calls and texts when he finally turned it on. 

What was so important? It wasn't him right? He caused his boyfriends panic? 

 

Missed calls

Jakey Jake

Germ<3

Mikeyy M

Jakey Jake (x2) 

Mikeyy M

Germ<3

Mikeyy M (x4) 

Germ<3 (x2) 

Jakey Jake 

Germ<3 

Jakey Jake (x6) 

Mikeyy M

 

What happened? Why had they all called so many times? Rich paused, scrolling through all his messages, when Jeremy phoned again. 

“Hey…” 

“Rich! Thank god you're okay! What's wrong?” 

“Nothin, I just fell asleep. Sorry for worrying you all.” He bit his cheek, feeling so damn guilty for lying to them. 

“Are you sure you're alright Rich?” 

“I’m sure, just really tired. Don't worry about me Jer, I’m alright.” 

“Okay, we’ll see you tomorrow right? Movie night, Michael wants to watch all the Shrek movies…” 

“Yeah,” Rich felt himself smile “He has a bad taste in movies.”

“He really does! You should go back to sleep honey, you sound super tired.”

“I will, love you Jeremy.” 

“Love you too Rich,” 

“Night.” 

 

Rich turned off his phone, and threw it onto his bed, not bothering to plug it in. He’d do that later. He pulled at his blanket, so it fell off his bed, and tried to lay wrapped up in it on the floor, but his skin felt like it was on fire. 

“Fire, fire, fire, fire. It's happening again. Everything… It's burning…” Rich’s eyes were blown wide, and he was gasping for air. He couldn't tell what was real and what wasn't. All he could see was memories of the fire. 

 

_ Jake. Where was he? Was he dead? What happened. A beam fell, did it crush him? Oh god this is all my fault. He fell from the window, did he die?  _

_ Sirens replaced the roaring fire, someone came running towards him. They shook his shoulder, and clapped near his ear to see if he was conscious. He looked up at the person, a young man. He stared at him, blinking slowly like a scared child.  _

_ “Are you hurt? What happened here? What’s your name?”  _

_ “Don't… Don't tell dad. He’ll hurt me…” _

_ “What’s your name?”  _

_ “Rich, Rich Goranski.” He stuttered, the voice of his SQUIP whispering in his ear. _

**Look at how pathetic you are, acting like a damn child in need of pity. Your dad is just a drunkard, why won't you stand up to him when he hits you? You really are pathetic aren't you? It's such a pity, you thought I could change you, but nobody can, you're past that point Richard.**

_ “Okay Rich, we’re gonna take you to the hospital, just stay calm.”  _

_ “I can't, I can’t move. It hurts… It burns!” Rich shouted, his consciousness flickering until he passed out on the front lawn of Jake’s house, covered in burns and ashes.  _

 

Eventually Rich fell asleep. But it wasn't a peaceful sleep, from nightmares to sleeping on the floor, he woke up with a sore neck, a ringing phone and a bad feeling. It was six in the morning, normally he’d shower, run, eat and go on with his day but he couldn't drag himself off the floor. He blindly reached around for his phone, sliding the alarm off so it would stop chirping and buzzing. For a while, when he was still laying on the floor, Rich wished he had the squip again. It helped him with motivation, usually by hurting him but hey, he got things done. At about eight, Rich got up to get a glass of water, his throat felt so dry and dusty it was gross. 

He lived with his older brother, who was always at work, or at university, so he had the house to himself. The two brothers had gotten a small house together, once their father had been arrested for abuse. 

But someone was downstairs this morning. He could tell Dylan was there, mostly from the few curses, and knocking things over. He probably didn't have his glasses on, or probably not the right ones. Rich smiled, maybe April was here too? He got along well with April, she was Dylan’s girlfriend. She was always smiling and she had a cute dog. 

“Rich!” Dylan shouted down the hall, “I have food!” 

“I don't trust your cooking Dylan!” He replied, sitting up and stretching, before walking to the kitchen. 

“Rich! Jesus put some pants on! April doesn't want to see your junk dude,”

“I’m wearing underwear and Jake’s sweater, so my legs are covered Dyl.” He replied, getting a tall cup of coffee. April was in fact there, sitting on the island. 

“Oh! How is Jake?” April asked, looking up from her phone. She had the airy hipster girl kinda vibe, including the wavy dirty blonde hair and green eyes. 

“He's good, we’re having a movie night with Michael and Jeremy tonight. Michael wants to watch Shrek.” April laughed, sliding down to hug Rich. 

“They're good boyfriends,” April said, “They all seem very sweet, and mature from the sounds of it sometimes-”

“Michael fell asleep in heelys and then rolled down the hallway at four in the morning screaming…” Rich paused and frowned. Did they really love him? What if they didn't? Were they just pretending to love him? They probably hated him.

“You okay? You seem kinda off,” Dylan passed him a plate of food, 

“Nightmares of the fire, I’m okay now, promise.” Rich looked down at the plate, poking at it with his fork. He felt numb, completely numb. His head was all white noise and static. “I… I’ll just eat this later, I’m gonna shower.”

“M’kay, have a good shower.” Dylan offered, trying to cheer him up a bit, but Rich just shrugged and walked down to the bathroom. He stripped, taking off the sports bra that he had on. 

Binder, he thought. I need to grab my binder. Shit, who cares my room is next door no one is gonna see if i'm naked. 

Rich darted into his room and grabbed his full length grey binder, boxers and baggy sweatpants that probably belonged to one of his boyfriends. Once he was back in the bathroom he locked the door and turned the water on, making it a little hotter than he could handle. Looking in the mirror, Rich noticed he needed to re-dye the red stripe in his hair, it looked more pink than anything now. He sighed again and stepped into the shower, the water stung and he hissed quietly before he had fully adjusted to the water temperature. Rich stood there for a while, letting the water pour over him, he wished it would wash away how broken and dirty he was, but nothing could change that. After a while, he grabbed the shampoo and lathered his hair, before sitting down in the tub, crying into his knees as the water splashed against his back. 

“Hopeless, hopeless. Helpless, helpless…”  

After another fifteen minutes of sitting there, his skin felt raw and patchy. Rich stood up, and grabbed the edge of the tub as he almost fell from his legs shaking so much. He grabbed a towel and wrapped himself up, and sat on the edge of the tub. 

 

Rich curled in on himself, sliding to the floor of the bathroom. He sat there for so long, his hair was dry and the floor was wet. 

“Rich? Riiiiich!” Rich looked up when he heard his brother calling him, what was it?

“Rich! Jake’s here!” 

“Jake?” Rich mumbled, standing up and struggling to get his binder on, then sliding on boxers and pants. “Coming…” 

He walked out of the bathroom to the living room where Jake was sitting on one of the couches, he smiled when he saw Rich. Jake stood up and hugged him and, for a moment, Rich felt calm. 

‘Please, just hold me forever’ He thought, hoping that they could stay like that and find something to laugh about and laugh away the negative feelings that wrapped around Rich’s insides like an octopus. 

“How you doing baby?” Jake kissed the top of his head and let go of him to kiss him properly, and Rich just hummed in response. 

“I’m pretty good, better now that you’re here,”

“Did you just get out of the shower?” 

“Yeaah I did.” Rich smiled softly, latching onto Jake’s waist like a sad koala. “I just forgot to put a shirt on…” 

“I've seen you shirtless before Rich it's chill,”

“Oh my god you make it sound like we hook up and aren't dating!” He laughed, “I need to put a shirt on,” Rich furrowed his eyebrows, what was happening? He couldn't pinpoint why he was upset, his boyfriends loved him, he had a pretty okay life after the SQUIP incident, why was he so upset…

“Rich, you okay?” Jake looked confused, and he sounded anxious when he saw the way his boyfriend’s face dropped. “You seem off today baby…”

“I’m okay, promise. What are you here for?”

“Well, I was wondering if you wanted to just chill at my place till Jer and Mikey arrive? They’re gonna be there around three, so we can get take-out and snuggle, if you want.”

“That would be awesome, I’ll go get a shirt.” Rich kissed Jake’s cheek before walking back down the hall and cleaning up in the bathroom, and grabbing one of his signature tank tops, which was basically just a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. Sometimes the ends were sewn in properly by Jenna, she could sew really well. Rich looked in the mirror and felt self hatred bubble up in his chest. How could his boyfriends love him when he looked like this? Rotten, dirty, abused and tossed aside. He knew they said that they loved him but, were they telling the truth? How could he know? Rich sighed and grabbed his elbows, before taking a deep breath and walking out to see Jake again. Fake a smile till this drowning in static feeling goes away, it’s not that hard. 

He smiled at Jake as he yelled a goodbye to Dylan and April and got into Jake’s car. 

“Pizza or Chinese?” Jake asked as they were driving down the street, and Rich shrugged, quickly sending a text to a group chat with the four of them in it.

“Chinese sounds good… I didn’t really eat breakfast.” 

 

_ Boyf Squad _

 

Rich: @ jer and michael,,, can yall bring some red tonight? 

Michael: yeah totally, you okay sweetie?

Rich: meh,, i might talk about it later

Rich: also jake says he loves you both, hes driving rn

Jeremy: we love him too!! 

Jeremy: cant wait to see u <3

Rich: im excited, i vote for a boyfriend cuddle pile

Michael: HELL YEAAAA

Rich: see u tonight 

 

Somewhere along the ride to Jake’s apartment building, Rich had fallen asleep, which was quite shocking, he almost never slept. Jake smiled softly, and tapped his shoulder until he woke up. Rich blinked at him slowly for a minute, before nodding and climbing out of the car. He fiddled with the hem of his shirt while the two of them stood in the elevator and he leaned against Jake’s chest and felt his chest lighten when Jake wrapped his arms around Rich. 

“Same order as always?” Jake asked, as Rich flopped on the floor, face down in the carpet. He held a thumbs up and groaned into the floor. After he had called the closest restaurant and placed the order, Jake sat down beside him and rubbed circles on his back. “What’s up? You seem sad today…” He sounded worried, he had every right to be but honestly Rich didn’t want to talk about his emotions. He shrugged for what felt like the millionth time that day. 

“Lots of things…. I don’t really wanna talk about it, not now at least. Can we just watch Disney movies and snuggle?” Rich asked, sounding much softer than normal. Anyone who knew him would be able to tell that something was off that day, he was never this quiet or soft. Rich was always loud and the center of attention, and had a flair for the dramatic. At first, after the Halloween party, Rich didn’t talk a lot because of his lisp, but he learned to love it, and flipped off anyone who commented on it in a bad way. It wasn’t like him to be so quiet, even when he was upset. It was weird. 

“Moana?” 

“Hell yeah.” Rich replied, moving so he was sitting on the couch and leaning back against Jake, and Jake pulled a light blanket over the two of them. This was where Rich felt at home, cuddling with one, or all of his boyfriends. Warm and at peace, a gentle feeling he loved. At some point, Rich fell asleep again after they had gotten their food, and ate on the couch. Jake said something and Rich laughed with a mouth full of food, and then laughed even harder when he got little bits of what he was eating on the floor.

“Mmmmm, love you Jake,” 

“Love you too Rich, go to sleep babe, you're clearly tired.” 

“Don't have-” Rich yawned, “Don't have to tell me twice.” He smiled before curling up against Jake and closing his eyes, falling asleep almost instantly. 

 

After about an hour or so, someone started knocking on the door, it was probably Michael and Jeremy. The knocking kept going, and started to change to the beat of a song. Michael, that was definitely Michael. 

“Come in!” He shouted, loud enough that the two boys outside would hear him but quiet enough to not wake his boyfriend. 

“Jakey D! Yo, we have snacks and red? Is Rich alright?” Michael came all but running in, Jeremy walking in behind him. 

“He's sleeping, he's not doing too great…” Jake glanced down at Rich, who was still somehow asleep on his chest. His boyfriends looked equally concerned and Jeremy kissed Jake’s head as well as Rich’s before he sat down on the carpet. 

“Should we wake him up?” Michael asked, sitting on the arm of the couch, watching Jake rub Rich’s shoulders gently. 

“I don't know, maybe. He needs the sleep but at the same time, we gotta do something to make him feel better.” 

Jeremy tapped Rich’s hip a few times until Rich made a noise of protest and opened his eyes. 

“Where..? Huh? Oh, hey…” He sounded really confused and as soon as he sat up, all three of his boyfriends kissed him, his head, nose and cheeks. “Guuuuuuuuuuys!” Rich groaned and squirmed, still asleep for the most part. He laughed, and once again tried to wiggle away. Usually it worked, but Jake wasn't planning on letting go this time.

“Morning Richy-poo,” 

“Don't ever call me that, that's weird…” 

“So… Shrek?” 

“No.”

“No way!” Jeremy shouted, clearly he did not want to watch Shrek, again.

“Why…..” 

“Okay so nobody wants to watch Shrek, Spy Kids?” Michael offered, grinning slightly. 

“Sure,” Everyone looked anxiously at Rich, they were basically helicoptering him. They were clearly worried, and Rich didn't want them to worried, he didn't want them to worry about him… Damn it why was this so hard? Why couldn’t he just cope normally or, well, not have gotten the evil supercomputer from Japan and paid for it in the back room at Payless Shoes? 

Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time! 

About halfway through the first movie, Jake ushered everyone off the couch and pulled the bottom part out, a pull out couch was a really good investment! After he finished doing that and Jeremy grabbed another can of Cola, they all re-arranged themselves in a cuddle pile, Michael was laying against Jake’s shoulder, Jeremy was in Jake’s lap and Rich was laying against Michael’s chest. Michael was warm, he was always hot, it was probably the hoodie, and he smelled like cinnamon and vanilla, which was relaxing. 

Rich felt like static, like a plastic bag filled with air. He couldn’t tell how much time had slipped past, he was blinking slowly and he felt so heavy, like he was stoned. He couldn’t feel anything, except knowing that he was going to throw up. Rich quietly slipped off the couch and all but ran to the bathroom. His stomach was in knots and he felt horrible. Jeremy said that sometimes he threw up from being so anxious, was this the same thing? 

“Rich? Rich, you okay baby? Rich!” Michael came down the hall looking for him, and raised his voice when he saw Rich laying on the side of the toilet and vomiting. “Rich! What’s wrong? Jake, Jeremy! Get in here! Bring Gatorade or something too!” Michael sat beside him, rubbing his back gently. Rich felt like his chest was contracting, like he was being swallowed by a giant snake, it felt like shit. 

“Michael? Rich? What’s happening?” Jeremy came in, Jake carrying a few bottles of Gatorade just behind him. Both of their faces fell when they saw Rich. The two of them both sat down around Rich, trying to comfort him. He looked up at them, with tears streaming down his face. 

“I’m, I’m sorry- I’m so sorry I- I can’t……”

“Rich, Rich it’s okay, it’s alright honey, we’re here just breathe. What’s wrong?” Jake passed him a Gatorade and he took a small sip, the taste of acid burned his throat. “Just try to breathe, focus on my voice, you’re okay, you’re going to be okay,”

“It’s too hard, hard, too much…. I can’t do this anymore.” Rich mumbled, scratching at his arms, turning the scars red as his nails dug into them. 

Jeremy wrapped his arms around Rich, and held him as close as he could. 

“It’s alright, things are hard I know, coping is hard. We’ll get through this together I promise.” Jeremy spoke quietly as Michael continued to rub his back and Jake grabbed one of his long sleeve shirts that Rich loved. 

“You know you can always talk to us, right?” Jake said gently, passing the shirt to his boyfriend, who had taken off his shirt and was sitting there in his binder. “You should take that off sweet, you’ve had it on for a while,”

“....Oh, right………” Rich sat up a bit, and wiggled out of his binder, pulling the shirt Jake gave him over his head, smiling weakly at the way the sleeves flopped over his hands. “I know I just, I don’t want to burden you guys…. I don’t want you to worry about me, I can learn to deal with this, it’s okay-”

“Rich,” Michael interrupted him, kissing his forehead, “It’s not okay, you can’t bottle it all in, that’s not healthy, at all.”

“Yeah, and we’re always here for you, we love you so much and we don’t care how dumb the thing you’re upset about is, we’ll listen. Two in the morning or the middle of class, I’ll answer, or any of us will-” Jeremy was interrupted too, Rich couldn’t help but smile.

“Yeah I’m fairly sure Mikey doesn’t sleep, but we’re all here for you no matter what. I’m never planning on going anywhere babe, I know I probably couldn’t ever understand what you or Jer went through but, I can try my best, and I’m always going to listen.”

“Excuse me Jake! I sleep, sometimes…” Michael mocked being offended, and Rich giggled, he seriously loved these boys. “I can see if I can get you in to see my doctor if you’d like, I could come with you or you could go alone, only if you want,”

“That would be good… Thank you all, I love you. So much, you three are my universe.” Rich felt himself tear up again, god why did he have to cry? 

“Now uh, should we get back to Spy Kids?” 


End file.
